Last night I sat in my living room and watched a teenage girl watch a conspiracy video that talked about the Sandy Hook tragedy. It was full of theories about the guns, the gunman, the parents, website dates, the children, and the police. What really bothered me is that this video circulates while children are living with nightmares and PTSD. It circulates while parents fall asleep and hope they dream of their child. Normal has been taken away from people and replaced with this horrible tribulation.
In this world there are things just too big to understand, God being one of them for me. As a child I quietly questioned the existence of God. Where did he come from? How long is forever? If he created us, who created him? Everything has to be created, doesn’t it? My rational side fights a battle with my faithful side and I never know which side will win. I fight this battle because I am human and my brain is unable to understand a concept as extravagant as God’s love. I internalize almost everything. It is my own egocentric way of understanding the world and controlling things that I have no control over.
In this blog I once wrote that I blamed myself for the 9/11 attacks because I did not wear the correct jewelry and that is surely the reason that men with box cutters were able to take over four planes. I blamed myself because the world is a bad place sometimes and on that day I needed a way to justify the evil. Some evil is too large to grasp, and that is what I think is at the root of the Sandy Hook “truther” movement. One man, who was either mentally ill or just plain evil, walked into a school and ended the lives of 26 people. Twenty children will never grow to their potential. Six adults will never hug their loved ones again. Hundreds of people will always have a piece of their soul missing and they will live that way for the remainder of their lives. So what do we try to do? We look for people to blame, and if you are already a person who thinks the government and media are evil and controlling our minds then you blame them. But as we place blame, we ignore some of the real issues. We ignore that mental illness is something that is virtually ignored. We ignore that our health care system is sorely lacking. We ignore that the gun laws we have are not working. The thing that cannot be ignored is the fact that we have lost our humanity. Every time we post the Sandy Hook conspiracy video and every time we posted the 9/11 video, we tell a victim that their pain is not important. What we really find important is our own entertainment, not the feelings of those involved in these tragedies.
I turn it back on myself like I always do, because I am me and I am flawed in many ways. On the day of Sandy Hook I thought about my children and thanked God for their safety. I became enraged at Facebook posts that said it happened because we have taken God out of the schools. My God doesn’t shoot 20 children to prove a point. Evil does that.
I blame myself for things I cannot control. My mother’s death can be attributed to me because I didn’t act sooner. If I had been meaner and more persistent I could have gotten her to a specialist in “Arkamecca” sooner. My reason fights with my emotions because I know the only thing that could have saved her was a miracle. I blame myself for the suffering in Haiti because I was dumb to the plight of the people there. Again, I understand that I did not cause the suffering, but I still blame myself for the lack of action that I now take. I place blame on myself for Sandy Hook because I thanked God for my children that day as if mine were more important than the 20 lost and the countless others effected. I blame myself every time I open Facebook and see the conspiracy video and don’t say something about it. I blame myself for the lost humanity.