Word Press has a feature called Freshly Pressed. It is where they pick some of the best blogs of the day and post them on a separate page. I want to be “Freshly Pressed” more than I want just about anything, because I require a great deal of validation. After I post a blog I start texting friends and family for feedback. “What did you think?” “Did you laugh?” “What was your favorite sentence?” I bother them with questions until I feel the proper amount of acceptance. It is at that point I start watching my stats and shares in a mildly obsessive manner. I have an illness of questionable self-worth.
The following is what I believe happens once this blogging honor is bestowed upon you.
One. You are immediately asked to co-host the Today show. I would of course be a smash hit and people would call my time as co-host a breakthrough in journalism as I would be the first plus-sized announcer on the Today show. My notoriety would become even greater when I would refuse to report a story on Lindsey Lohan because “that bitch is crazy and this isn’t news.” I would be fined $100,000 for the outburst but the fine would be paid by a TV producer who offers me my own talk show on AMC.
Two. Someone comes to your home to wash and fold your laundry. My new laundry friend and I would become best friends. Together we would tackle the 1,000 socks that sit at the bottom of the laundry basket that seem to have no match. While my laundry buddy and I fold we will discover that we have almost everything in common and we will create a laundry room system so organized that it will eliminate any back log of slacks and underwear that I have. Also, my laundry buddy is Adele and she loves my throw pillows. We discuss the beauty of my couch pillows for hours and she tells me she understands how important they are to me. After the laundry is finished she smokes and says bollocks. I ask if she is an Elvis Costello fan.
Three. Lena Dunham the creator of Girls would publically apologize to me for stealing my gimmick. The world can only have so many awkward girls with massive self-esteem issues and tattoos. She gets to live in NYC, have a television show, and publishing deal, so I want to take cardigans and questionable self-worth back. After her apology we agree that if we work together there can be world enough for the two of us. She says that I have unique perspective and asks if I would like to be a consultant for her show. I tell her that I would love that but will need to put a stop to my co-host of the Today show duties. The Today show is of course devastated.
Four. Somehow Word Press makes me photograph well. I have no idea how they do it. I just accept it as a Freshly Pressed perk.
Five. (Spoiler Alert) Author Gillian Flynn calls me so we can discuss a plan for Nick. She tells me that she understands that I have unfinished business with the characters in her book. She agrees to write a second book that gives me closure and takes care of that crazy bitch Amy once and for all. The publisher of Gone Girl also agrees to give a copy of the book to everyone who likes my blog just in case they haven’t read it yet.
Six. Word Press sends a representative to my Dad’s house and convinces him that it would be fine for me to tattoo the lower halves of both of my arms. Of course Dad is at first reluctant, but the Word Press rep makes such a good case that Dad agrees my arms would look better covered in tattoos. The tattoos are done and immediately I am able to sleep a night’s worth of uninterrupted sleep, because in the “Freshly Pressed” world anxiety, sleep, and tattoos are interconnected.
Seven. The Chinese and Thai restaurants in town start delivering like self-respecting restaurants should.
Eight. Old Navy starts carrying XXLT shirts in their stores.
And to think all of this happens the minute you are chosen to be Freshly Pressed, who knew? I need to spend more time thinking about what I am writing and less on who is reading it, but I think we all know that I am not that self-aware…yet. For a few real ideas about being “Freshly Pressed” check out this link listed below.