As of late I have been reading a lot. Not books, articles, because I am grossly unaware of the world around me. I have read articles about the Weiner/Franzen/everybody feud, and deduced that Franzen is a giant douche. Who calls out Salman Rushdie for using Twitter? The guy lives with a bounty on him, let him use 140 characters without taking crap for it. There have been articles about fat acceptance and health and a dozen articles about rape. One article was about a professor who doesn’t teach female authors except one short story by Virginia Wolfe. And really it was a short story, so does he even count that as literature? Two articles were about voting fraud, and another was about a cold case that was recently solved. This has been a depressing venture, and it makes me feel too much. So today I am blogging about what I feel is an important topic – zombie pants.
I am an avid watcher of The Walking Dead. I have never read the books, although they are on our book shelf. So, the twist and plot turns are still surprises for me and I don’t feel bogged down by the “it didn’t happen that way in the book” mentality. It is a good show with lots of drama and action. There are a couple of things that drive me crazy and one of those things is the way the zombies are dressed. If I am to believe that a zombie apocalypse has occurred, it would be safe to assume that many of those zombies would have no pants on or be in some state of undress.
Let me start by saying that this zombie pants fixation I am currently suffering with is strictly within The Walking Dead world. In this world, an unknown pathogen/virus has infected the human race. We do not know the origins of the illness, but we do know that everyone is infected and it may lay dormant in the brain until a person dies. At that time of reanimation, the virus would reactivate the brainstem, so the reanimated zombie would have no higher mental functioning. Zombies do not have problem solving skills (this will be important later). The original outbreak seems to have started with flu-like symptoms that progressed fairly quickly. When I am sick I am generally pants-less. I want to be as comfortable as possible, and not having pants on is the way I am most comfortable. In theory thousands of people were at home with fever and body aches but somehow remained fully dressed. Nope, I am not buying that. There were patients in the hospital, including Rick himself, who would have been dressed in hospital gowns. Want to know what you normally don’t wear with a hospital gown? Yep, a pair of dungarees.
Dependent also on the time that you were overtaken by the pathogen it is safe to assume that people were asleep when they died and reanimated. Guess what I don’t sleep in. Yep, trousers. It is safe to assume that people died/reanimated in the shower. Guess what you don’t wear in the shower. Yep, chinos. I have showered in socks, however. We see the zombies in suits, jeans, overalls, cords, blue jeans, and a shocking amount of Laura Ashley dresses, but I cannot recall ever seeing a zombie in a pair of tighty-whiteys a la Walter White.
Another issue I have about the show is that a zombie would not have the power to problem solve. The only thing kicking up in their noggins is the brain stem. So, a zombie trapped in a room would not have the power to find the door, he may happen upon the door, but if he was facing a wall he would continue to walk into the wall.
Zombies cannot climb stairs.
They just can’t. A few years ago I broke my leg pretty badly. I was in a cast for a few months, and in all that time I never figured out how to step into my house. I was incapable of figuring it. I would hop from my car to the door where I would than throw myself into a waiting wheelchair. I would like to believe that I am slightly more intelligent than a zombie. There is some possibility that if a bunch of “walkers” fell into a stairwell, a zombie could walk over them while standing up, but it seems unlikely. Something else that drives me crazy is when the undead are walking in the woods they make almost no noise and are unsusceptible to changes in terrain. The point (if there is a point) is that I dislike when the undead show more social constraint and grace than me. But soon on a Sunday night I will be perched in front of my television (without pants on) to watch Rick and Daryl fight the good fight. I am a slave to my television. I may even be the pants-less undead.