An Open Letter to Glade

Dear Glade,

I thought we were friends. I thought we really had something, but you went and pulled my favorite fragrance. The 2011 limited edition cinnamon chiffon candles were the most glorious candle you ever released and now I have depleted my stash and only have 2½ candles left.  These candles have been my signature fragrance between the months of October and February since 2011. My home smells deliciously of this frothy cinnamon concoction. The smell is heavy enough that it fills my living area, but light enough that I don’t feel overpowered. As I burn my candles, each passing hour brings me both joy and despair as I know our time is coming to an end.

I have done my research, Glade, and I know that I can buy the oils from a seller on eBay. I know that I can buy bottles of the spray as well, but let’s be clear, it is not the same. I have spent hours sniffing candles to find a scent as fabulous as cinnamon chiffon. I dip my nose into jars of cold wax and inhale deeply trying to match the happiness that your cinnamon chiffon brought me.  The feeling has not yet been replicated. Last night I had a moment of happiness when I smelled The Bath and Body Works candle titled Champaign Toast. For a moment I thought this could be the replacement, but alas, it is still not the glory that is cinnamon chiffon.

Glade, you and I have been friends for years. In my mid-twenties I took great comfort in the banana pear candles I would burn. They had a lovely light sent and filled my little apartment with much joy. As a longtime customer I want you to be aware that people like me exist. We enjoy our routines and are most content when our homes smell fresh and inviting. Perhaps, once you release a fragrance you could also list when the limited edition items will no longer be available, so people like me can create a stockpile much like a doomsday prepper.

Thank you,

Heather Carvell


PS: Cashmere Woods is good, Glade, but it just isn’t the same and we both know it.


The Greatest Idea for a Business in the History of Great Ideas

I pee a lot, and sometimes in my pants. I have three children, and the last one was 10 days early and still weighed 10 pounds and one ounce. This was not so great on the bladder. I pee my pants when I laugh, cough, sneeze, experience temperature changes, or think about peeing. After I pee my pants most often I can be found telling my friends on Facebook that I just peed my pants. So, it is a vicious cycle of peeing and cell phone use. This is why New York City was an issue for me. There are no places to pee in NYC, and if you do find one, it is up or down two flights of stairs. I spent a great deal of my time staring at a stairwell saying, “Mother fucker, you’ve got to be kidding me.” This normally led to a fit of laughter between Kara and me which then lead to more peeing. It was at the one hundredth time that I faked being pregnant to illicit symphony and access to a first floor bathroom that “Pee Soup” was invented.

New York has a lot of tourists and those tourists spend a lot of time taking pictures and posting them to social media which drains a cell phone battery pretty quickly. These same tourists need to pee and eat. So, why not create a café that serves soups and sandwiches, has free Wi-Fi, cell phone charging tables, and nice first floor bathrooms. This is the greatest idea in the history of great ideas; I just don’t see how it can miss.

Here is the basic plan:

The food will be a mix of fancy grilled cheese sandwiches like caramelized onion and goat cheese on sour dough or jalapeno and pepper jack on a pretzel bun. Of course the standard grilled cheese sandwich will be offered as well. Soups and chowders will also be offered, seasonally, of course. There is still some debate as to offering chili. It seems that some people do not think chili falls into the soup category. I believe that these people have mercury poisoning and may be a little mad. Gourmet donuts will be on hand for desert.

Each table will be equipped with outlets to charge cell phones or laptops. If you do not have your charger, one will be available for purchase. Pee Soup will also be a great place for people who need a quiet place to work or study due to the available free Wi-Fi.

The very best part will be the bathrooms. If you have purchased a meal or charger from Pee Soup, of course you may use the bathroom at any time, but if you are a local, business person, or a tourist in town for a while, you may opt for the PeePass. Similar to the Metrocard, but instead of pay to ride, it is pay to pee. An attendant will be on duty to make sure the bathroom is clean and to make sure the pee cards are functioning properly.

This type of business will really only work in large populated regions. Paducah is not really an option as we have many public bathrooms and cars where we can charge our phones. I think that we will start with just one restaurant and maybe expand from there. After becoming mildly rich from this venture, Kara and I are purchasing an apartment in the EastVillage so that we can eat at “this little piggy had roast beef” no less than once a week.

I have only visited New York once and I loved it. I have only visited Chicago once and I loved it. I have only visited Raleigh once and I loved it. You may see a pattern here. I love cities and interesting places and I want to explore and see more of them, but I also want to be able to pee.

These things should not be exclusive to one another.