The Original Eight

Have you ever sat down and thought about what the bios of Santa’s reindeer would sound like?
Oddly, I have.

Dasher: Dasher was raised by a single mother who was never one to take his smart mouth. It was in Baltimore where he was raised in one of the poorer housing units. His Momma was a no non-sense reindeer who tried to raise her boy up right; working two jobs and cleaning houses on the upper side to make sure that her boy would understand that you have to sacrifice for those you love. It was after an impressive college career that Dasher was drafted into the pros. He was an elite athlete who had an instinctive ability to know what move Santa would call next. Sadly, his flying career was cut short when a pack of geese flew into the sleigh and damaged his ACL. Dasher now helps train the new recruit reindeer starting every October.

Dancer: His name said it all. All he wanted to do was dance, dance and make romance. Dancer was a ladies man who was equally comfortable leading the sleigh and dropping it like it was hot in a local club. Many have felt it was dance moves that first attracted Mrs. Claus who had taken to spending her nights dancing at the local club, Cookies and Cream. While no one knows for sure it is rumored that Dancer may have originally been a back up dancer for Usher and the inspiration for TLC’s hit “Waterfalls.”

Prancer: Since being one of the elite eight, Prancer has become a well known LGBT activist. He has staged many rallies and events to spread the word about LGBT issues. It was Prancer that pushed the issue of same sex marriage in the North Pole. While it was originally met with hesitation health insurance is now offered to same sex reindeer partners. Prancer was legally married to Hector a reindeer of Cuban descent last year. The couple works during the off season for the NOH8 campaign.

Vixen: A little known fact about Vixen is that she was the founding member of the all girl rock band from the 1980s. “Edge of a Broken Heart” was reportedly written about her ill fated relationship with Dancer. Vixen was forced to leave the band after an argument involving the use of raccoon tails that the other members were clipping in their hair. Vixen felt that it was offensive to the raccoon population. A reindeer/girl fight broke out and the band split ways. VH1 has discussed doing a Behind the Music about the band and their split, but Santa is blocking the production as of this publication.

Comet: Little is known of what happened to Comet. He was last seen leaving a Las Vegas casino in 1997. If you have any information regarding his disappearance please contact the Las Vegas Police Department.

Cupid: She has a heart of gold and can often be found working with polar bears with special needs. Her gentle spirit has made her a favorite of everyone at the North Pole. Santa often uses Cupid when it is time to tell the new recruits whether they will stay for further training. Cupid’s parents divorced when she was young, but she has a loving relationship with her stepmother and stepsister Olive. Olive is Cupids biggest fan and cheers her on every Christmas Eve.

Donner: Donner or Donder as he was originally referred is a large and secretive reindeer of German descent. Not much is known of his past, but there are whispered stories of an underground boxing society that is ran by a group of elves who may “owe” Donner a favor or two. Those around the North Pole don’t say to much about Donner and when they do it is with hushed tones. One elf was quoted as saying, “Donner is the kind of reindeer that you visit if you have a very specific problem.”

Blitzen: One can most often find Blitzen sitting in a local coffee shop listening to Elvis Costello. During the off season Blitzen is a contributor for entertainment weekly and writes a popular blog. He is currently working on his first novel about a young missing elf in his home town. Gillian Flynn has hired an attorney because she believes that Blitzen has stolen the idea from her novel Sharp Objects. Of course Blitzen disagrees and has stated that people who listen to Elvis Costello are unable to steal ideas.